So, THAT's it!
I've HAD it! Work has been steadily getting less and less fulfilling for me and today broke the camel's back. Don't get me wrong. I love nursing. I love nursing as much as I did when I first graduated. It's just that there are LOTS of changes going on right now where I work and I don't necessarily agree with most of them. Again, don't get me wrong. Change is good. I know that. HOWEVER, I like to feel that I hold a pretty high standard when it comes to my profession. Besides this being a result of my incredible OCD, anal retentive, perfectionistic nature, I think that it comes from the basis of my spirituality as well.
Let me explain.
Each and every patient I care for, I care for as if they were my OWN family member laying there. I do. It's the right way to nurse a patient, at least it is for me. I feel as that if I treat each and every patient this way, I will then be giving the absolute best of who I am as a nurse. I feel that each and every single human being deserves that much. Now, that being said, there have been plenty a day and, Lord knows, plenty a patient that just doesn't jive with that. Personalities clash, head-aches occur, days are just "off". . . . it happens and I KNOW that I am not perfect. Those days I reflect on what went awry and I strive to improve it. HOWEVER, lately I seem to see a decline in the work atmosphere where I am. For quite a bit of time, it has felt to me as though our nursing standards keep getting dropped to the lowest common denominator.
I can't live with that.
I am the type of person who, whether I achieve it or not, strives to continually improve and raise my standards. This is true of my nursing, my knitting, my cooking, my parenting, my self. SO, feeling as though my environment keeps dropping to the lowest common denominator is just a moral dilemma for me. How can I say that I provide the best that I can when I witness this perceived drop and continue to stay within it's hold? I've struggled with this for months now. I really like my immediate coworkers and cohorts. Currently, my acting Manager (who is actually my Director but is doing double duty until the Manager position is refilled) is the person who hired me. I love working for her and I feel that she has the same work ethic and nursing philosophy as I do. However, her hands are tied by the wave of change that has swallowed our hospital and can only do so much. My office mate is a great nurse and a great friend. There are a handful of nurses in my departments for whom I hold very high regard and utmost respect.
However, the wave seems to be going towards the decline and those cherished individuals are shadowed by the rest.
I'm going onto Monster. I NEED a new job.
I know what I need but it still isn't easy. I hate feeling defeated or disloyal but I do. And yet, I hate feeling as though I sometimes don't want to say where I work b/c I am embarassed by it.
Man, life really is hard, isn't it?