Just a place where I can sit and write my thoughts on my newest passion. . . . . knitting. Hopefully, I will better document my progress throughout knitting and get in touch with others as obsessed as I am!

Friday, November 09, 2007

Today and this weekend

I am going to request no comments to this post please. I don't know how to turn them off for a post and I don't have the inclination of researching it right now. Thanks for understanding.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the last time I spoke with my Daddy. That day was a Friday as well.

This weekend is going to be huge for me to get through. There are so many details to the story and so much guilt on my part over his death. I can't get into details right now, I'm not in the frame of mind to actually write the words out. Let's just say, I'm a cardiac nurse and I was a daughter when I should have been a bit more of a nurse. . . I still feel like I let him and my Mom down. 'nuf said.

This weekend is going to be hard b/c a DECADE seems like an impossibility. How can it actually have been that long when it feels like it happened TODAY!?! Besides the length of time, it happens to also fall on the same days of the week.

So, I know that this weekend will be like reliving it all over again. "At this time I was talking to him" "Now, I was calling the hospital and heard about the bleed" "I talked to Mom right now" "We spoke with the doctors at this time" "I kissed him for the last time right about now". . . . . .

The worse part of it all is thinking how life could have been so different had this horrible horrible thing never happened. DS would have KNOWN him. Daddy got to meet and hold and love him. Thank God. I will hold those memories dearly for the rest of my life. But, my son never got to know him. He wasn't even a year old when Daddy passed away. He doesn't have any memories of him.

I miss my Daddy. I miss him every day. Before my Daddy died and I would hear people say "I think about so so every day of my life" I thought "Isn't that a bit of an exaggeration? Do you really think about them EVERY SINGLE DAY?" I had lost family members and, though I thought of them often, every single day was a bit of a stretch. Or so I thought. Then my Daddy died. Then I knew.

I have thought of my Daddy every single day. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. His passing also brought my wonderful mother-in-law's death to me every single day. She was like a second Mom and life would have been totally different as well had she not died. They both died from very similar circumstances and both abruptly and unexpectedly. It's made it that much harder to have both of them to grieve for daily. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.

There is an emptiness within my soul that can never be filled. There is a place where a part of me has been taken and no one else can ever refill. I was my Daddy's little girl and he was my big strong hero. My safety net. I made him smile and he made me feel like a princess. He would smile at me and I would instantly be filled with joy and happiness. He would put up with me hanging all over him whether or not he was dead tired or sore or cranky or hurting or anything else. He would let me tickle him when he HATED to be tickled b/c we would laugh together and it would make me happy. He knew by looking at me just what I would like to do and knew just when to do it. HE took care of me in a way that no one else will ever be able to.

The last thing I said to him was that he would be OK. That it would all be alright and not to worry. I lied. I didn't know I was lying but I lied. It wasn't and it isn't and I can't take that back. I can't take back that the last thing I told him was a lie and that I let him down. He never let me down. I let my Mom down. He would have never allowed that to happen.

I miss my Daddy. I miss him every single day. It isn't an exaggeration.