WHUCK is over my head and why does it feel like I need an umbrella??

I called off from work today. Yep. I had it yesterday. 5 different patients:

2 transfers out to the ICU,
1 discharge,
1 admission from ER who clearly should have been ICU not stepdown but, "we know you can take good care of her*" and "putting her in the ICU will just make her less of a person" are the comments you get from the MFDs (referring to physician's degrees - I'm sure you can all decipher) when you question her status, and
1 transfer from med floor with a whopping 160 heart rate, SOB, clammy and hypotensive

REALLY??? WHUCK is over my head and why does it feel like I need an umbrella??

So, I got home, ate, showered, took a muscle relaxant b/c I couldn't stand hearing my back yell at me any longer and went to bed. UGH.

But, here I lay now, in bed, after 1100am, awake less than 1/2 hour and pondering what to do with the day. Here's what I've come up with:

1. Nothing
2. Start up on the laundry since DH is having a bad week and you do have an unexpected day
off after all
3. Watch more Doctor Who
4. Pack for this weekend's BHI trip with my girls
5. Nothing
6. Finally finish up that damn book so that you can start this month's book club selection
7. Work on the girls xmas gifts which you are to present them with this weekend (see #4)
8. Finally put out this week's flex team newsletter for work so that you at least make SOME pesos today.
9. Nothing
10. Work on DH's felted clogs that were due to him since last Fall

I think I like 1, 5 and 9 the best. We'll see how those go and then decide from there. Hey, 3 out of 10 ain't bad right?

*So, BTW, this is a blog written by an actual, practicing, 4 year degree, registered nurse with over 20 years of critical care experience under her cap (just kidding, I hate those damn things) so, let me give you all a piece of advice. NEVER, EVER, EVER ask a nurse to "please take good care of Grandma, Mom, Son, Cousin, Hubby, Sister, Priest, self, next door neighbor, WHOMEVER!" Why you might ask? Well, would you tell a chef at a restaurant to "please be sure to actually cook my meal correctly" or a Salesperson to "please scan my item the right way" or to the dentist "please drill the correct tooth" or to your doctor "please give me the right prescription" (OK, you might have a point with the last one but you get what I mean).......

It's an insult. If a nurse wasn't going to take good care of your X,Y,Z she wouldn't have shown up to work. OK, sometimes there are nurses that might make you question that but DAMMIT, not all of us and that sure as hell better not come out of the mouth of some snot-nosed, yet to be independent, I've been a nurse almost as long as you've been alive, just out of internship, I've saved your ass on more than one occasion resident who thinks they don't sound condescending as they say it to you.

I'm not sayin', just sayin'.

Back to taking care of 1,3 and 9. Isn't it great to be productive?

Diners - America's orginal 'comfort' food

What is it about Diners that makes the experience so, well, magical? I love Diners. They have that awesome true Americana feel to them. You can always count on friendly but no-BS staff, basic but gooooood food, and charm out the wazoo. We found a new diner for us today in a nearby town that was the epitome of what a diner should be. Southern accented staff who can't do enough for you (or each other as demonstrated by the manager busing tables and bringing out food for her waitresses), good basic comfort food staples (i.e. fried chicken, chili cheese fries and chicken fried steak), metallic vinyl seated chair, bar style seating and cheap prices.

Diners are an experience and one must truly understand the experience to appreciate it. Don't expect 5 star anything at a diner. It ain't gonna happen. But, if you can get beyond that, dining at a diner brings a feeling of nostalgia unique to these establishments that only adds to the overall experience.

You instantly feel at home in a good diner. There's no worry about being too loud or having to mind your "p's and q's". Now, that's not to say that one should be without manners at a diner. Just, you can speak at a normal volume and not feel like you are intruding on your neighbor's dining experience. You can put your elbows on the table and eat with your fingers (finger foods of course) without feeling 'gauche'. You can literally laugh out loud at your child or spouse's commentary without worrying about calling attention to yourself. Nobody cares. They're all too busy enjoying their own company and food and laughing as well.

Food at a diner is basic but good. Burgers are greasy and messy and amazing. Fries are hot and fresh and have that deep fried taste that makes them too good to leave any on your plate. You will find foods that you can't find at restaurants . . . chicken fried steak smothered in gravy is a staple as well as old fashioned meatloaf sandwiches and fruit cobblers.

So, tonight we went to a diner. It had all the neon light signs and decor that you think of when you think of the 50's and diners. The menu was thorough but basic. DH had the chicken fried steak with white gravy, side salad and black eyed peas. DS had a bacon cheeseburger with chili cheese fries and I had the chicken fried chicken with mashed taters, brown gravy and side salad. For dessert, DS had the best chocolate-peanut butter shake that I have tasted in a long long time (they use chunky peanut butter and you get little pieces of peanuts when you are drinking it). My only disappointment was that they didn't have any cherry syrup to put in my coke to make a cherry coke. Sigh. I guess nothing can be perfect right?

Miss Tina was our waitress and she was attentive, funny and efficient. We never were low on drinks and she came by just enough without being annoying. Families were sitting all around us, couples on dates, buddies out for a quick bite after work, etc. The walls were covered in pictures that looked like they came from the local HS yearbook for the last several decades and the music was classic rock 'n roll from the 50's.

It was great. Real Americana nostalgia in a single meal. All for $6.50 - $8 for our entrees. Now, where else but a diner can you get all that?

BTW, if you are interested. I have YET to finish "dragon tattoo". I did finally get 'into' the story but ran out of time to finish it for book club and although I am now truly interested in seeing it through to the end, I am not madly crazy about the story enough to not be able to put it down.

Next up for book club is "Loving Frank". Anybody got any feelings on that book?

I'm slowing heading over to the dark side

So, DH has always spoiled me. Even when we were first married and had very little money, he would find ways to go above and beyond the necessary. He said that ha got a kick from seeing me happy. It's never changed.

I usually have something significant that I want for Christmas that he will get me as my " big" gift. This past year he was puzzled that I had nothing significant on my list. I had everything that I wanted and didn't really have any "wishes".

So what does he do? He got me an iPad. The big 3G iPad. I was stunned and said "but I've never asked for an iPad". He said he knew me and that he knew I would love it. He knows me well.

So although I've always been a PC person, here I was with an iPod, iTouch and now an iPad. Hmmmmm........

Fast forward to this past week. Verizon gets the iPhone. Hallelujah! I have been an Altel customer for over a decade (now Verizon) and had been waiting for this day. I was debating on whether or not to upgrade to the iPhone or not.... Friday night my hubby tells me that Verizon has decided to eliminate it's "new every 2" feature on the tail of getting the iPhone. It seems that they feel that getting the iPhone has given them an edge and that their customers will be so elated from that, they won't balk at the elimination on "ne2" AND that AT&T customers with iPhones will switch to them b/c of their network. Humph!

Verizon is attempting to change the wireless industry in the USA by setting a standard of making their customers pay for their phones each time they upgrade without providing any discounts. Hmmmm, I personally am a fan of good old fashioned competition and providing incentives to customers. AND Verizon has never and doesn't plan on providing rollover minutes. (a pet peeve of mine). Due to this new change in service, I was forced to upgrade my (and DS's) phone by today or forfeit my eligibility for a discounted upgrade. Really? A customer for over a decade and then this? NOT. GOOD. CUSTOMER. SERVICE.

So, off we went yesterday to the 3 major players (AT&T, T Mobile and Verizon) to review our options. Surprise surprise, who had the least accommodating and financially accommodating options? Verizon. Switching to a smartphone would void my current cellphone plan (a vestigial Altel plan) and force me to change to a current Verizon plan (more expensive). Plus their smart phones (even with my NE2 discount) were expensive! Unlimited texting (I DO have a teenager) was ridiculously expensive compared to the other companies. Anyone that knows me knows that I can't stand to be bullied or forced into any decision. Yeah, that's really bad. I WILL do all within my power to go against those decisions. Call me stubborn.

When comparing the other to companies (plans, texting, phone choices) we decided to go to AT&T and I ended up with an iPhone 3G S.

So, now I have an iPod, iTouch, iPad and IPhone. How long do you all think it will be before I switch from a PC to a Mac?

I guess we will have to wait and see.........

(but I love my iPhone!). Tee hee

I've had an Epiphany

Ok, to begin with, let's get some business out of the way. Yes, it's been a long time since I've blogged. No, I will not be apologizing for it this time. Here's why:

1. This is MY blog and I should decide when and if I choose to write something.
2. Anyone who knows and likes me will just be glad that I've written something and won't care how long it's been. And finally,
3. If there are people who don't like that it's taken so long for me to write, they probably aren't following me anymore so, who is there left to apologize too?

So, now that THAT'S out of the way. . . .

Like I stated in my title, I've had an Epiphany. No, not the Roman Catholic kind (although we do celebrate Epiphany and I got a nifty new GPS but I digress), a personal kind. . . .

I like my husband.

Surprised? No? Well, let me explain.

Yes, I love my husband. Of course I do. If I didn't I wouldn't have married him or still be married to him 22 years later. But does loving your husband actually mean liking him, as a person independent of being a husband? Unfortunately, I have recently come to believe that the 2 aren't necessarily inclusive to eachother.

It seems that the older I get and the more I actually LISTEN to what people mean when they speak (it's easy to hear but one must actively LISTEN to fully grasp the intent behind words) I've noticed something disturbing. A lot of woman don't necessarily 'like' their husbands despite loving them.

I have come to feel that loving someone is an emotional response whereas likeing someone is an intellectual one. And that, my friends, is the paradox of the husband situation. We fall in love with our heart and in like with our brains and sometimes those two organs are at odds with eachother.

Why do you think that best friends aren't always someone's spouse?


Sure, you love your spouse with all your heart and you get that little fluttery feeling when you think of him/her and it's all safe and sound with them as your partner but,. . . . . . when you need to vent and dish out the dirt or complain about work or try to decide what to do about a given situation who do you turn to? Your best friend. Your bestfriend understands where you stand on issues, what's important to you and what you like on your salad. Your best friend is the person that you are going to talk to when something happens and you just HAVE TO TELL SOMEONE ABOUT IT. Your best friend is the person who you call when you want to discuss your favorite TV show and how you can't wait until next week to find out where the Tardis is going to be and how the Doctor is so damn cute and how you wish you were british and (oh, dear, let's get back on track - pardon me).

So, there I was minding my own business recently, sitting in bed and multitasking (i.e. watching TV, playing on the computer and attempting to check my email) when I looked over at my husband (also multitasking but replace playing on the computer with reading) and I thought to myself "Self, you have a really great friend sitting next to you right now" and I realized that not only do I love my husband but I like him. Well, the thought didn't just come to me. It was an evolutiono of a conversation in my mind.

I was multitasking and along with all the stuff I previously listed, I was also thinking about conversations I had had with friends/acquantances at work and about complaints they had regarding their spouses/partners. Then I thought, "huh, I don't think I had much to complain about DH today" then the thought crossed my mind "hey, when I complain about DH it's about something that we disagree on usually and not about him as a person" and that lead to "wait, most of the time I hear people actually complain about their spouse/partner with regard to something inherent about them as a person" and that's when I got the BAM "I like my husband" thought.

I leaned over and kissed him on the head and he said "what was that for?" and I said "nothing" and he said "oh, that was sweet. Thanks babe." and continued to multitask.

I sighed and continued to multitask but this time I was smiling.

yeah, I like my husband. I would hang out with him and want to do stuff with him and go out to places with him and invite him over even if he weren't my husband. I'd be his friend even if we weren't married and unfortunately, I think that there are a lot of people out there who, if they truly looked into their heart of hearts, would be able to say that they love their husbands/wives/partners but, if they weren't in love with them, they may no like them per se.

My hubby and I can have mediocre conversations about the trivial things in life or can crack each other up over some stupid comment or show or can discuss deep issues and even agree to disagree (you should see us argue about Capital punishment) and yet, we respect each other and I still like him. Hopefully he feels the same.

That's all.

BTW, I should be trying to finish up "The girl with the dragon tattoo". . . I haven't been totally enthralled with it yet. I think there might be something wrong with me. I just don't get all the hooplah yet. Hopefully it will come to me soon b/c book club is next week and I need to be done. UGH.

carry on

Today I've done. . well, nothing really.

So, I must say that I have been a very nonchalant blogger as of late (like a few years behind - sorry). But, I do hope to get back into my writing as I truly did enjoy keeping track of what goes on with my life for future prosterity (namely mine as I can't imagine anyone else wanting to read about me back in 1999) - tonight I'm gonna party like it's. . ., oops, flight of ideas. Let's get back to what I was saying shall we?

I have had this week to chillax (love that word) and do very little and I kind of like that except that I then wake up at 4 am with a list of a gazillion things that I should accomplish when I "wake up" (i.e. finally get out of bed) but by the time I do get up, I have no clue what all those things were. See, my husband is out of town on business and I don't sleep well when's he's not home. For anyone that has been reading this blog for any significant amounts of time (and thank you so much for still being here!) you all know that this is very true. So, it takes me forever to get to sleep and then the little thing will wake me up and I can't get back to sleep. It's a viscious cycle. Anyhow, that leads to my useless brain syndrome during the day and thus, very little getting done.

I did however get out today to mail 4 books out for Paperbackswap then go the one of my happy places to get some groceries. It's TRIPLE COUPON TIME and you all know how I love a good coupon deal (ok, newer readers may not know but I am totally a coupon/sale junky).

So, I went, I conquered ($170 worth of groceries for $80 - tee hee), I put it all away and now I am back to chillaxin' and doin' a whole lot of nothing. hmmmmm, maybe hubby being gone isn't so bad after all??

BTW, a couple of friends of my have decided to jump into the world of blogging. Do me a favor and check them out would you? They are 2 lovely, crazy and funny girls. I love them.

Wonky Tonk Life and Paradise Purls

Go on over a visit them and let them know I sent you! ;-)

Why explain?

So, I've a new addiction craft over the last few weeks. It's Temari and I love it. I like the idea that I am doing something that women began to do over 600 years ago. I like the way it feels to make something from nothing. I like the process of picking a design and colors and then working through blending the two. I like the feeling of the needle in my hand and the way the stitches lay next to eachother slowly building the design. I like the way the temari looks when I've completed it. I like seeing them all together and how beautiful they look as a group as well as individually. I like making something beautiful for the sake of beauty itself. I like looking at the finished project and saying "wow, I made that". I like the way DS looks at them and tells me "Mom, that's really cool!" I like the relaxation that comes with the rhythmic stitching and stillness of the needlework. I like TEMARI!

So, WHY do I feel like I must justify myself in this new craft?


Let me explain:

I've been a jack of all crafts my entire life. You name it, I've done it (at least once). Crochet? Check. Macrame? Check. Latch hook? Check. Cross Stitch? Check. Knitting? Check. Card making and stamping? Check. You get the idea. However, I have NEVER had to explain why I do something until I started to make Temari.

I mean, I have had the usual "why would you knit socks when you can buy them?" question but I've never had to answer "what's the purpose of (insert knitted item)?" before. Even when I was making Macrame'd wall hangings (hey it WAS the 70's y'know!) I never had anyone question the point of the completed project. (Even the Sun/Moon macrame wallhanging in the HORRID shades of gold that my Mother insisted on hanging in the living room - God help me).

But make Temari balls and this is the conversation that follows 99.9% of the time after showing the completed ball to someone else:

Me: "Here's my newest Temari."
Them: "Wow, isn't that pretty. What's a temari?"
Me: "It's an ancient japanese craft where you make and stitch these beautiful balls"
Them: "So. . . . . . .what do you do with it?"

EVERY TIME!

Whenever I've shown someone any of my crafts, I've never ran into the "What do you do with it?" or "What's it for?" question before Temari.

My reply is usually "You look at it and say 'Isn't that pretty'!" which inevitably is followed by "Well yes but what is it FOR?"

How do you explain beauty for the sake of beauty? Creation for the accomplishment of creating. But still, there's a nagging feeling of having to justify my crafting with Temari that I've never felt before. Show someone a cross stitched picture of a bunny in a field with trees and no one blinks an eye. Show someone a piece of pulled thread work in an octagonal shape and not a peep. Show someone an abstract painting ala Jackson Pollock - nada. Sand art in an elongated soda bottle? Zip (yep, I did that too!)

Now, I am not saying that any of this is going to slow me down or have me stop stitching Temari but, I find it interesting that the vast majority of responses to these gorgeous pieces of art is "I don't get it".


What's WITH that?


BTW, here's a beauty for you to ponder and admire (b/c you can).

ENJOY!

As time goes by.

he, he, he, just when you thought it was safe to blog. She's back!

Seriously though, how does time go by so fast when you don't expect it to? I mean, look at the date of my prior post. REALLY???? How the heck did THAT happen? I mean, especially when time goes by soooo sloooooowwlly when you are waiting for something. Like a trip to France.

Yep, knittingnurse et al are going to France this summer. FRANCE people! I'm positively giddy about it. What's even better is that DH has been doing his research (as usual) and we then had the following conversation:

DH: "We can't just wear shorts and tennis shoes, people will target us as tourists and we are more apt to get robbed (pick pocketed mostly)".
ME: "Um, so what are we supposed to wear pray tell?"
DH: "Well, it says people dress properly and care about style. Tennis shoes are for tennis. Shorts are for physical exertion type activities, etc. So, we need to dress nicer."
ME: "Examples please"
DH: "DS and I will have to get nicer khaki type pants and buttoned/collared shirts. You will need to wear some summer dresses and such."
ME: "Does that mean??????"
DH: "Yes, you get to go shopping."
ME: {squeals}
DH: "Glad to help."

I've now gotten about 4 adorable dresses all in no iron type fabrics so that they will hold up well in the suitcase. OH, and we are all going to get some "nice" comfortable shoes for walking. Tee hee! Shoes too people!

France, clothes and shoes!

SQUEAL!

How will YOU be remembered?

So, I try not to be a downer here but every once in a while I know that I am. Today, my hubby sent me a link from snopes that truly saddened me. To save you from clicking over, it's about how the following obituary was a TRUE one posted in the Times Herald on August 16th, 2008:

Dolores Aguilar
1929 - Aug. 7, 2008
Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008. She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby.

She is survived by her daughters Marietta, Mitzi, Stella, Beatrice, Virginia and Ramona, and son Billy; grandchildren, Donnelle, Joe, Mitzie, Maria, Mario, Marty, Tynette, Tania, Leta, Alexandria, Tommy, Billy, Mathew, Raymond, Kenny, Javier, Lisa, Ashlie and Michael; great-grandchildren, Brendan, Joseph, Karissa, Jacob, Delaney, Shawn, Cienna, Bailey, Christian, Andre Jr., Andrea, Keith, Saeed, Nujaymah, Salma, Merissa, Emily, Jayci, Isabella, Samantha and Emily. I apologize if I missed anyone.

Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing.

Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again.

There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOOD BYE, MOM.

How SAD is that??? I wonder how a family could be this torn apart? How can you live with a family that is so obviously full of hurt and anger? I wondered to myself, "was the whole family this way or just this one particular daughter?"

So I googled "Dolores Aguilar". Thankfully, I DID find an article that was printed in the Times Herald a week after the original Obit was printed. It was a commentary written by a neighbor of Dolores which read as follows:

Loving Dolores
Article Launched: 08/24/2008 08:18:25 AM PDT


I had been told about an unbelievable obituary about a woman who was not loved by her family because she didn't love them. Today, I was given that obituary to read and could not believe my eyes.
This was a woman I knew, and had grown to love.

Dolores Aguilar was my neighbor on Carolina Street for many years. A few days after we first moved there, I was introduced to her by her young granddaughter who was living with her and she was taking care of. I met her husband, Raymond, who loved her very much and she loved in return. They were friends, and comrades in life. Raymond, who worked at Mare Island, died a few years later from asbestos poisoning. He was a very good man.

I spent a lot of time at her house. She adopted me as her granddaughter, too. I was happy to be there, as I loved to hear her stories and her hugs were always heartfelt. Every time she saw me, she would hug me and say, "I love you Nena" or "I miss you." Dolores had many stories to share. She spoke a lot about life experiences, and being strong in the world. The one thing she made sure to tell me was not to lose love.

Although she didn't go to church often (she did not drive), she was a deeply religious woman. She talked a lot about the saints, the Virgin Mary and God. She spoke a lot about Heaven and also about faith and forgiveness. She was excited to go to Mass, dressed to the nines, and heard the service in complete solemnity. Dolores' spirituality may not have been visible to others, but I knew she believed and she had great faith in God.

She often cried for her son, who died in Vietnam. I was honored to be included in a trip with her grandchildren to South San Francisco, to visit her son in the cemetery. The experience was unforgettable. All the way there, she talked about how he was a good person, and how he decided to serve his country and how she often prayed for his safety. She had zest in her eyes when she spoke about him, and she would also stop mid-sentence as she tried hard not to cry. In her frailty, she made the trip to see her baby boy, she touched his tombstone, and whispered "I love you." I didn't hear one word against the government, against the war or against those who killed him. All I heard was that he was a good son, he gave his life for what he believed in, and she missed him terribly.

Dolores had a great love for animals. She welcomed dogs, and spoiled them. She was also good with people, and understood deeply about their paths in life.

What I want everyone to know is that she isn't the woman on the obituary. Because I knew her, and I loved her and she loved me. She was a wonderful woman. She was a beautiful woman. Despite all the different sorrows and pains she may have gone through with her family, she still continued to love.

She made a huge difference in my life. She may not have given me material things, but the pearls of wisdom and her enduring belief and love for me is something I will cherish forever.

Grandma, I love you, and may you truly rest in peace. I miss you and I am forever grateful.

Maria Guevara
Vallejo

I felt a bit better for Dolores but then I thought some more. Why did her daughter feel such loathing for her and yet a neighbor such love and caring? Was it something that her daughter perceived or was it a family 'secret'? Were there two Dolores Aguilars, the cruel family Dolores and the kinder neighbor Dolores? Was Dolores incapable of showing care to her family but still able to be kind to outsiders? Was she somehow frozen in her family life because of some unknown turmoil or tragedy? Did the loss of her son turn her cold towards the rest of her family? WHY could her daughter not see the person her neighbor saw? Obviously this woman was capable of giving, receiving and feeling love. She did so with this neighbor.

WHAT HAPPENED WITHIN THIS WOMAN'S FAMILY LIFE?

So, I say (once again) make sure that those you care about know how you feel. Sometimes it so much easier to be kinder and loving to outsiders because of some unseen circumstance. Whether it be because you think your family/friends/loved one know how you feel or because you were raised to not express yourself to family. Maybe you were raised that showing emotions is weak or unnecessary. Maybe you get caught up in living life and therefore are too busy at home to express your love and caring. Maybe you set too high of expectations within your family and mistakenly withhold care to "toughen" family up. Maybe you are too frightened of being rejected or are being held back by a past tragedy or hurt to express yourself to your closest loved ones.

SCREW ALL THAT!

Be sure that people in your life know how you feel. If they don't return the sentiments, F'em! At least you won't be giving anyone a reason to write an obit about you like the one written about Dolores Aguilar.

Never let yourself be unknown to anyone. Never leave yourself in doubt. Never leave reason for a obit such as the one written for Dolores.